" The diary " with angg & Bree part 2 :: sad .

did i mention ?

its all because you lied . . .

if i thought i was before i was wrong , there was never one like this . & sure likely to be none after . . .

i had a conversation with a friend of mine today and i was telling her how i was so tired playing the "strong girl " role .I wanted to let my guard down for once , experience things in a way i haven't before. . . So i did. Sometimes letting your guard down has great outcomes , in my case it was different.

Dear angg ,

"I can't explain why it's him . . .

& the end of the day baby I just don't want to
Sometimes he don't even treat me right . . .
But , when I'm with him, ain't nobody else like it
I'm so sorry baby that I have to do this to you
But I can't go on pretending...
Cause I love him, I love him
And I'm so sorry... do you hear me?
I'm so sorry but I love that man
I love that man...
He ain't always right, but he's just right for me . . "

xoxo angg ♥

I feel like im telling myself that. The True me , the real angela knows that this isnt her .

The old me would never ever ever ever put up to be treated this way. . . I used to look at girls like this and laugh at how stupid they were . I never thought i'd be that girl...

I feel like i let myself down in every way possible. I was always taught to fight for what i wanted , so thats what i did. But i began to lose myself along the way. & every day , every moment that it continues , i lose myself a little more. . . The true meaning of dying inside. so im stuck , do i continue to fight and lose me or give up and try to regain what ive lost ? seems like i lose either way.

I never forget , im grateful for my friends but at the end of the day , im the only one who can feel the pain , joy , or sadness that i feel . & im the only one who cries the tears i cry . . so no one can truly care because no one knows how i feel .

"so i put on my make up , i put a smile on my face. . & if anyone asks me , everything is okay. But im dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face .

its not an easy thing to do , sometimes its hard to face the truth , but what else can i do ?"

i guess it is what it is .

really feeling it tonight . . .

I believed in you that's why I'm so mad ...

story of my life .

"Ima save these texts and 2 years down the line ima show you them and be like see baby you was wrong ."

. . . so what happened ?

i may never understand why . . . im doing the best that i can .

letter to myself 12/3/2010

I cant explain why , couldn't even tell you how. In the end , you still being there is what matters. If you really want something , if you really love something, you will fight for it. . . & i'm fighting. Not giving up , & nothing or no one is perfect , as this relationship... My heart stays faithful ♥ .

Me being happy is what matters , me staying and being true is what matters . . . im in love and thats ALL that matters . ♥

Friends forever ?

The only way to know is to walk , then learn & grow .

Yesterday i turned the big 1-8 !

yayy go me !

I was kind of sad to let 17 go because it was such a great year for me . . .

(Going to Ghana , Great senior year , Being a twirling captain , getting my license , my number 4 ♥ , PROM ! , graduating , and everything else in between ) i can honestly say it was the best year of my life .But everything must come to an end. Its funny because i didnt realize how amazing my senior year was until now and writing this . Its good that now i can be grateful for everything .

But now im 18 and its time for me to take on more responsibility... sigh

i'll be heading over to Hampton University on august 7th :( . im so happy to go to my dream school but its sad to leave behind all the good times that ive had , the memories and the friends.

I had no clue that 17 was gonna be how it was , and now i can only hope that 18 tops that . . . we will see.

Dear Mr. Handsome ,

whatever makes you happy .

-- 2 . *

feelings can grow but . . .

they can go away too .

"2"

it`ll always be the same .

" you've died in my heart so go ahead , and live in her arms. "

hmph .

so I'm on my way home , walking & I'm glad i am because i have time to think . . .

so far my day is pretty shit*y . i mean nothing too bad happened , I'm just not happy with things in genreral . i will never understand some people & the games they play . seriously . some boys KILL me . But i guess i put myself in this situaton so i guess I've just got to deal with it .

fu*k it .

♥

Moment of honesty
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight
Whose it gonna be?
I'm gonna sit right here
And tell you all that comes to me
If you have something to say

You should say it right now

You give me a feeling that I never felt before

And I deserve it, I think I deserve it
It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore . . .

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
If you ask me I'm ready . . .

Im sitting here trying to find the right words to explain this person. Seriously. lets try, " perfect. " Honestly , and im being dead serious , i think he is the perfect person. there really isn't one thing i dont like about him. Homeboy definitely puts all the other boys i know to shame , lol .

But really , i haven't liked someone so much for who they are ever in my life. He is such a beautiful person inside and out. The way he speaks , the things he says. its so easy to connect with him on an intellectual level , its crazy. ugh , i could go on for days , there are so many things ! and dont get me started on this boys smile . its the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. & no matter how im feeling , seeing it always makes my day . plus hes funny . psh , im telling you , if you knew who he was , youd want him to.

it sounds crazy , but i remember the first day i met him , lol .

& i remember the first moment i knew for sure i liked him .

of course , im a girl , and you'd probably say "he's just another person that i like ." after all , thats what alot of my friends said ,until they seen how serious i am.

Im the type of person that knows what i want and goes after it. but when it comes to him , its like im not me. I cant even look him in the eye half the time , its that bad . He makes me so nervous. and im so conscious of everything i say or do around him. i cant help it , thats just how it is.

all this is simply a dream to me , because it'll never happen. only God knows why. But im satisfied. I thank God that i know him & being his friend is enough for me.

"I like the way you walk
The way you talk
The way you dress
The way you smile
I like the way you are
The way you ain’t
I like your honesty, integrity,
It levels me, so please don’t ever change"

Theres no need to try and figure out who he is , he already knows. & Im not dropping names. For now , i'll just call him

Mr. Handsome ♥

oh , its been a minute.

im gonna write tonight ,

i swear !

i'll be back.

Note to self 03102010

Dear angela ,

youre so much prettier when you s m i l e . . .

xoxo ,

angg ♥ .

Some people just don't deserve to be happy . . .

its true .


but what did I do to deserve this ?

The weight of my tears . . .

What is the game we're playing?
should I stick around for more?
Snap your fingers I'll coming running
Leave again when you're bored
with me , I'll make it easy

Nevermind me, nevermind me
I'll just cast shadows on your walls
Nevermind me, nevermind me
My God , I feel so small
Nevermind me, nevermind me
I'll just cast shadows on your walls
Nevermind me, nevermind me
I'll just let myself out.

– *

" . I was a dreamer before you , & you let me down. . . "

its been a very long time since ive updated my blog and i have a lot of things on my mind , so its about that time. I will update on everything that has happened since the start of my senior year but right now there are other things i want to talk about.

The following is a message sent to a friend by me on facebook earlier today . . .

"i wont be sad . for what ?
it was different before .
i didnt understand why he was acting the way he was if he wanted to be with me . . .
but now everything is different . everything makes sense now .
the only thing is him being with someone else , ima jus need to handle that correctly.
& im still gonna talk to him about stuff *.
this is not gonna phase me . he shouldve just been a man about it but he* is immature .
im not saying im 100% okay , but lets be real . . . im USED to this .
i might have a little moment once during the rest of the week but thats okay.
I always said that it was never gonna work with me & him . But i wouldve never known for sure if i didnt try .
& i tried and now i know .
Its okay. "

The past month has been all but pleasant for me. Drama is something that im never one to turn down , but this drama is one that i truly did not want. Especially since i vowed to have nothing but positivity around me for the new year . And all ive had was negative energy , people , and situations surrounding me. As far as THIS situation goes , im not sure about how i feel about it yet. Right now its just a numb feeling , im not upset or sad but i know that its a front. & im probably gonna feel it tomorrow . At first i felt like I felt like i wasted so much of my time. im not too sure . only time will tell . . .